I have always tried to keep a quite positive side of me online, I've never really written or talked about things that I struggle with. I'm quite a private person in the same way I'm not, I choose very carefully what I write on here and even what I say to people I'm close to in real life. It's just the way I am and part of my personality. But like I said, I try to show you the positive side of me, most because who has the energy to hear someone complain all the time? People want to read about happy things and happy thoughts, sometimes just to forget about their own struggles or just because it's nicer to see happy people. But we all have things we struggle with, small or big things, they are our struggles which we shouldn't compare to other people's. One of my biggest - and longest - struggle in life, is food, or eating in general. I have never said this out loud, and I probably won't be able to in a long time, which is the main reason I'm writing this instead of making a video.
I can't remember the last time I had a healthy relationship with food, but it hasn't been so for at least 6 years. It started with the pressure of being a teenager and looking perfect, getting a boyfriend and fitting in. Which pretty much everyone goes through, but somehow this stuck on me too well. It started with me skipping meals by ''accident'' when I was with friends all day, and I remember testing myself how long I could go without food, or proper meals. I continued this for quite a long time, only eating properly when I was around people so no one would notice.
Then something major happened in my life when I was around 16 which caused a lot more problems, which I'm not gonna go in to in this post, but yes, I went through a rough patch, which lasted for quite a while. This was the first time people started showing concern towards me, and asking if I want to do something or get help from someone but I just insisted it was a bad day or that I was just tired and didn't feel like eating. The longest time I went without eating at this time was 48 hours, and as you might imagine, I felt like it too, but somehow, which I don't understand, I thought it was worth it.
Right after this time I tried to start a diet with my mom, which went great for 6 months and I was actually eating properly through the whole time, but after it was done, I was back to my bad habits. This all continued through my year in England, which was like a dream come true in my life at the time since I had no one watching what and when I was eating.
I came back home after a year and I just couldn't get myself to eat like a normal person, I either ate too much and hated myself, or didn't eat enough and felt so ill but proud of myself. It sounds pretty sick, but I guess that's what it was. My friends actually do comment on this occasionally, but I don't feel like it's that serious and they don't know exactly what's going on. I have days I can eat normally, but never without thinking about it or feeling good about it.
When I say I haven't told anyone about this, I mean I really haven't, I have spoken about my other struggles way more than about this. I think it's because I still struggle with this, it's gotten so much better, but being honest with myself, it's still there at the back of my mind and I have no idea when it won't be because it's so stuck on my brain after so many years it's hard not to think about it when I eat. As you might know I live alone so I choose exactly how much and when I eat, I have no one to guard me or to tell me to eat, which probably isn't that good but at the same time I've learned to kind of even force myself to eat and go through this on my own. I don't want pity or anyone to worry about me, because I can control this and it really has gotten better. The point of this post is probably just to tell people that everyone's human, everyone has their own personal struggles and everything's not as it seems. Yes, I have struggled with an eating disorder, but I've also gotten through the roughest patch and I'm finally seeing a light. I would't honestly have written this post if I wasn't on my road to recovery. I hope you won't judge me and if you do I'm sorry for you, I don't care. I wanted to get this out there and let you guys know it's okay to have struggles and you don't need to hide them under a rug or feel ashamed in any way. Please ask for help from anyone you trust because it will get better.